The Thing I'm Letting Go Today!

As I sit here listening to The Gaither's I am allowing the music to wash over me.  I am listening to it and trying for it to not have the usual effect it has on me.  I really don't know how my Mom can listen to it...or go to their concerts....but I've decided that I don't want to hold anything against them anymore for something THEY did not do!  They are not responsible for my decisions to no longer go to church.  They are NOT responsible for the horrible, horrible things which were done to me as a child.....and yet, the association with them to THE ACTS is irrefutable.  At least in my mind.  Today, I have decided to let them off the hook for making me feel like vomiting every time I hear them.  I don't know if I'll ever be able to really enjoy them again (and I really used to), but I'm going to try really hard to not let them have this HOLD on me.

This story is one told time and again by way too many girls in our world.  It's really nothing special.  Some say one in two women will be sexually abused at some point in their lives.  I secretly wonder if it's that few.  So I am really not special in that I have been abused.  I'm not very unique in the circumstances either.  Someone big in a church forced me to do despicable things.  The other thing that does not make me unique is that this person was also my grandfather.  What makes it unique MAYBE is that nobody else in the community would EVER believe he was capable of such things.  I'm fairly sure the only other people who would be able to believe it are his other victims.  Based on statistics on pedophiles, I should imagine there are some more out there.  I know a couple so I know I was not alone in his abuse.

What is amazing is that he would admit his sins right in front of everyone at church often and then ask forgiveness for these sins........and they all thought so highly of him!  Now, of course I know that this is just MY truth.  Maybe he really did feel bad.  Maybe he really did believe that Jesus forgave him for making me touch his body and pleasure him.  Maybe Jesus did forgive him.  I don't know what went on between him and his God when he made it home.  I only know that what he did to me made my life pretty messed up.  I have given him power over me for way too long!  Even in death.  So I denounce you today.  I take back my power and I forgive you!  I forgive the Gaither's for their unknown link to my pain..........and I am letting go of my ANGER and my resentment of you; you Asshole!

In letting go I must at last tell people how horrible it was to hear you sing out in church:

Shackled by a heavy burden, 'Neath a load of guilt and shame. Then the Hand of Jesus touched me, And now I am no longer the same.
Refrain He touched me, Oh, He touched me, And oh the joy that floods my soul. Something happened and now I know, He touched me and made me whole.
Since I met the Blessed Saviour, Since He cleansed and made me whole, I will never cease to Praise Him! I'll shout it while eternity rolls.
Refrain He touched me, Oh, He touched me, And oh the joy that floods my soul. Something happened and now I know, He touched me and made me whole. (repeat the refrain 2 times) He touched me and made me whole. 
Words and music by William J. Gaither

And of course this is the one that got me!  The Gaither's:  He Touched Me



Yes, you had a sin and you shouted out your need for forgiveness often.  I wonder if anyone other than me listening to it quite understood your words.  I know it will take more than this post to make the journey back to myself.  I keep getting caught up in this and I just can't anymore.  I just can't.  I want to be done with you.  I will not give you power any longer!  You don't own my soul..............and MY GOD loves me unconditionally.  I hope you found peace wherever it is you went.  It's time for me to find mine here on earth.

I thought I had a few more years of greatness!

Okay.  I get it.  I absolutely understand now that I treated my mother like shit MANY, MANY times in my life!!  Wowzer.  I am so sorry Mom!  Remember when you told us, " I hope some day your kids put you through just a little of what you've handed me!"  Well, I'm there.

My daughter is not yet 10.  I was assuming I wouldn't be a stupid, embarrassing Mom till she was twelve or maybe even thirteen.  Nope. 9 and 3/4 is all I got!  She was embarrassed by how I ate salad today and talked while doing so at a restaurant.  Or maybe that I chomped my food.  Not sure. We've had six fights in two days over things that she insists I do grossly or disgustingly.  Or she just doesn't want me around period.

Unless she needs something.  Then I'm priceless!  But 99% of the time now?  Not needed.  Not worthy.  A failure.  I just can't win.  I guess the days of us being like two peas in a pod are kaput.  We used to enjoy spending time together and while I know that there will be a time much later in her life when we get back to being good friends I know that it's going to be a long time before that happens and the bumps are going to not only continue but get much larger.

Mom, you are awesome!  And someday I suspect I will be again.  In twenty years!  *Sigh*

And then life kicks you in the teeth once again............

So I was in such a hurry to focus on my new venture!  Got a bunch of stuff sorted and ready to work on to make my new creative focus help make me better and maybe, just maybe make a little dough in the process and BOOM.  New Year's Eve Den and I had bought a nice bottle of Vino and decided we would do a little celebrating.  However his dad had fallen twice during the past few days and he said that his chest hurt.  He didn't think he'd go to the hospital but he wasn't feeling 100%.  So...........Dennis decided not to drink in case an ER visit became necessary.  The following morning he went downstairs and called back up that they were indeed taking dad to the ER.

The ER trip showed not the cracked rib that we imagined from the fall but rather full blown pneumonia as well as a very bad blood infection.  They admitted him and started him on a few different, very strong antibiotics. A few days later, found us talking with the Kidney doctor.  He was very kind and comforting.  He pretty much laid out the facts for us:  The antibiotics were not really working.  Both the pneumonia and blood infection were worse and due to the fact that dad was having dialysis, they probably would not work.  He had also had a heart attack due to the stress on the body.  The infection had yet to hit the heart but they didn't think they could stop it from doing so.

He said that even with continuing the treatment there was very little luck at being successful.  He told dad that IF it were him, he would take himself off of everything and quit treatment because they were only prolonging his life by a little bit.  After hearing from Dad that this is what he desired as well as hearing it from Barb as well it was decided to quit all treatments including treatment of his diabetes.  The hospital social worker called Hospice and within four hours (and the help of a wonderful friend who knows this hospice well ;) we had Wes moved into a very nice Hospice home.

He's been at Hospice now a little over a week.  The best guess is that he'd last about two without dialysis.  So we spent the first few days there round the clock.  Now, he sleeps constantly and I know he can hear us as he kind of smiles when Mac comes in but otherwise he has been sedated.  He cries out "Mama" and sometimes cries for Barb but there is no more of the Wes I knew.

I kept this in draft......on January 18th........
I sat with my husband and my mother in law, listening to my once very proud father in law as he tried to communicate and could only moan loudly.  A few times when I spoke directly to him, he tried opening his eyes and looking for me but he was so out of it that while I knew he could hear me, he just couldn't respond in any coherent way. I knew that he wanted to pass over but he was just scared.  I told him that evening that if he was unsure if his faith was true, then he'd have to have faith on me because I told him that I knew that Patti and Kari were in the room with us and just waiting for him to make his journey over.  I told him that I'd be waiting for him to come see us again once he got over to the other side and figured out how to get back to us......I told him that he could be the most fun spirit that resides in our house. (We've got a lot of spirit activity in our home)........Wes was never a believer until he moved in with us and from his first night feeling someone sit down on his bed to the time he saw several people in his bedroom with him when he woke during the night, he became a believer!

I said in his ear that I knew he was tired of fighting and it was okay to go.  I told him that I'd take care of Barb and he needed to let go and drift off with his beautiful girls.  Then I told him I loved him and left to go get some air with Dennis.  The nurse came to get us a few moments later.  He had passed away quietly with Barb at his side.

The reason that I'm writing this today is that last night I believe that Wes made it back here for his first visit.  Or, we noticed him for the first time.  Den and I were watching a t.v. show and the air  got about twenty degrees colder which we both noted.  Then the dog started barking and looking next to Den on the sofa.  She was kind of whining and her tail was going a mile a minute.  Den asked her what was wrong and she did her "Way Wove Woooooo" talk.  "I love you."  She only does that for certain people.  Den asked her is it Kari?  Is Kari here?  And she just looked at him.  He asked, " Is it Grandpa?"  And her tail took off again.  Den asked her, "Is Grandpa here with us Gracie?"  And again she said "Way Wove Wooooooo..." and her tail was beating a note on the ottoman.  She was looking on the sofa next to Dennis the entire time.

Dennis said his hand felt really odd like it was weighted down.........and the cold air was there for about two more minutes and then it was gone.  We told Wes that we loved him and felt better than we have in a while.  I think he's figuring out his new world and how to come back and forth to say HI!  I think he's pleased that Barb is doing so well.........and so are we.  What a ride!  I'm back folks!  Hope you're ready!

I love Melissa Peterman!

You know the funniest part of the show Reba?  Barbara Jean, right?  Who could resist that funny, funny woman.  Well, her name is really Melissa Peterman and I happen to think she's one of the funniest women around.  She's been hosting CMT's The Singing Bee but now she's got her own half hour comedy! 

Country Music Television (CMT) is premiering their very first scripted sitcom "Working Class"starring TV veteran Melissa Peterman ("Reba") and Emmy and Golden Globe-winning actor Ed Asner on January 28 at 8pm EST/PST, followed by a second, all-new episode at 8:30pm.

ABOUT "WORKING CLASS"

 

"Working Class" follows Carli Mitchell (Melissa Peterman), a single mom from a rough and tumble background, trying to give her three kids a better life by moving them to an upscale suburb.  She quickly finds that making the transition to “the good life” is harder than she thought.

 

 

She's unwittingly befriended by her cranky neighbor, Hank (Ed Asner), her only “career” prospect is a glorified deli job at the local grocery store, and the man she falls for not only already has a girlfriend – but he’s also her boss, Rob (Patrick Fabian). With her ladies-man brother, Nick (Steve Kazee), to help her out (when he’s not acting like one of the kids himself), Carli faces the challenges of parenting, dating, and making friends in her new community by doing more with less, staying true to herself and approaching each day with a touch of working class.

I watched the first episode, compliments of CMT and because I'm a part of One2One Network and I get great opportunities like this!  I really liked the show.  It set itself up to have some terrific ways it could flow.  I can't wait to see the relationship she develops with Ed Asner, not to mention it's just great to see him anyway!

I like the guy who plays her boss, who she hits on in this first episode!  I can't wait to see what happens next!  That he has the cute little perfect girlfriend leaves so many great ways to play that angle.  Carli's brother will keep her life pretty exciting as well.  I can't wait to see where Carli goes in her new job and her new life.  I hope you will turn in and see how Carli's life takes off in a whole new way!

I mean, I am looking for any reason to have a little "me time" and withdraw from my own life.  I feel like Carli is in the same boat I am.  Just trying to get by and make a life for herself.  We have that in common.

Starting another Blog and focusing on MY artistic side!

Well, here we are going straight into the New Year and I decided that I needed to  focus on myself for a change!  I have started taking stock of all my jewelry making supplies as well as the PLETHORA of broken old jewelry I have accumulated over the years.  This is a place I could go, I thought!  My sister and I have been thinking about coming up with a way to earn a little extra money and we've been considering doing "found object" restorations.  Amy is so good at getting something, cleaning it up and re-working it into something useful!  My niece's boyfriend also likes to find stuff in alleys and re-make them.  We started thinking about this and I was thinking of all my jewelry in various forms (made, un-assembed, and old, broken, etc) that could be marketed and Voila!

I have decided to start making jewelry again!  I have started to be creative!  Where will this journey take me?  Hopefully some place fun and profitable!  Even if it just gets me back into a creative focus, I will take it.  I am so looking forward to this!

http://transformingtreasures.blogspot.com/

What a fantastic family day!

I am such a proud Mom!  Christmas has historically been very hard on Mac.  She's been known to unwrap presents "accidentally" and such...........which led to years of not putting her presents under the tree until about 3 a.m. Christmas morning.  Well, this year was amazing!  We put her presents out almost a full four days before the BIG DAY!  And she stayed out of them, for the most part!  We did allow her to unwrap one smallish present each day for each day she stayed away from the tree!  What a success!

Today was awesome!  Mac had made something for each person in the family during her sculpting sessions.  She made Bumpa a glazed coffee mug complete with designs and green and white MSU colors, Nana got the most awesome Frog Prince Charming!  Brit got a picture of Priscilla, I got a "generic" girl picture (which looks curiously of Mac with longer hair), Amy got a hand print, daddy got a Hot Air Balloon!! (two parts), and on and on.......it was so fun!

Amy gave everyone the neatest finds from all the thrifting places she and Tommy (Chelsie's BF) go and all the presents received were given with love!  Most of Mac's stash consisted of clothing, books and art supplies.  We really tried to use recycled, re-used and re-purposed gifts.  The focus was on home made and not much money spent.  I think we all succeeded.  Even Barb was amazed at the gift Wes got her (wink, wink-which means I picked out).

We also didn't have a traditional meal.  I made sloppy joe's and Den made potato soup and we had LOTS of appetizers....it was such a nice, warm, relaxing day!  Great to see Brit and everyone.  Great to just chill out and relax.

I am so blessed that Mac took such care in making her gifts and that took precedence over worrying about what SHE received.  What blessings!  I am so glad to have this family, this day and these memories!

When is this Holiday over?

So I'm not the real Christmasy Christmas person. Look, I worked retail management for over twenty years and you learn to hate the whole time. People get bitchy, there's no time to celebrate and enjoy the time you do have and you slowly learn to despise the WHOLE ENTIRE SEASON!

Fast forward to now. No more retail! Christmas should be a breeze, right? I did all of my shopping a while ago because I made an agreement many moons ago not to ever set foot in a mall (or other shopping type establishment) from November 20 till January 1st. I just don't enjoy it. I hate crowds, I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and anxiety and I gotta tell you, I totally lose it while standing in lines of any kind. So why do I find myself doing things like standing in line at the Post Office? (On December 16th)?????????? Why do I see myself scrambling for presents for some people?

Well, it's not for me. Not for MY shipping. Nope, this is for my husband and my mother in law who obviously didn't take advantage of shopping before the season. This should be no big deal right? Well, husband hurts knee..........MIL has the dawning that: "Oh, my Gawd, Christmas is next week.....what am I going to do?" What she means is: What are YOU going to do? Because who is doing her shopping? Yup, Cinder-freakin-Rella. That's who. Yours truly.

Why are some people able to get their stuff together and be proactive and others are sliding under the rolling doors at Mall Department stores on December 24th at closing time? (Oh, yea, it happened to me in 1985, working at Hudson's Department Store in Michigan.......here comes a guy sliding on his knees to get under THE CLOSING DOOR to buy whatever was in front of him for his wife. I'm sure she felt really special......and I hope she enjoyed whatever perfume he bought.)

Forethought. Some have it and most don't. Get some..........and try to shop year 'round. You might get some thoughtful and less expensive gifts. At the very least you will feel better come this time of year!