Sunday, April 24, 2011

The Thing I'm Letting Go Today!

As I sit here listening to The Gaither's I am allowing the music to wash over me.  I am listening to it and trying for it to not have the usual effect it has on me.  I really don't know how my Mom can listen to it...or go to their concerts....but I've decided that I don't want to hold anything against them anymore for something THEY did not do!  They are not responsible for my decisions to no longer go to church.  They are NOT responsible for the horrible, horrible things which were done to me as a child.....and yet, the association with them to THE ACTS is irrefutable.  At least in my mind.  Today, I have decided to let them off the hook for making me feel like vomiting every time I hear them.  I don't know if I'll ever be able to really enjoy them again (and I really used to), but I'm going to try really hard to not let them have this HOLD on me.

This story is one told time and again by way too many girls in our world.  It's really nothing special.  Some say one in two women will be sexually abused at some point in their lives.  I secretly wonder if it's that few.  So I am really not special in that I have been abused.  I'm not very unique in the circumstances either.  Someone big in a church forced me to do despicable things.  The other thing that does not make me unique is that this person was also my grandfather.  What makes it unique MAYBE is that nobody else in the community would EVER believe he was capable of such things.  I'm fairly sure the only other people who would be able to believe it are his other victims.  Based on statistics on pedophiles, I should imagine there are some more out there.  I know a couple so I know I was not alone in his abuse.

What is amazing is that he would admit his sins right in front of everyone at church often and then ask forgiveness for these sins........and they all thought so highly of him!  Now, of course I know that this is just MY truth.  Maybe he really did feel bad.  Maybe he really did believe that Jesus forgave him for making me touch his body and pleasure him.  Maybe Jesus did forgive him.  I don't know what went on between him and his God when he made it home.  I only know that what he did to me made my life pretty messed up.  I have given him power over me for way too long!  Even in death.  So I denounce you today.  I take back my power and I forgive you!  I forgive the Gaither's for their unknown link to my pain..........and I am letting go of my ANGER and my resentment of you; you Asshole!

In letting go I must at last tell people how horrible it was to hear you sing out in church:

          Shackled by a heavy burden, 'Neath a load of guilt and shame. Then the Hand of Jesus touched me, And now I am no longer the same.
            Refrain He touched me, Oh, He touched me, And oh the joy that floods my soul. Something happened and now I know, He touched me and made me whole.
          Since I met the Blessed Saviour, Since He cleansed and made me whole, I will never cease to Praise Him! I'll shout it while eternity rolls.
            Refrain He touched me, Oh, He touched me, And oh the joy that floods my soul. Something happened and now I know, He touched me and made me whole. (repeat the refrain 2 times) He touched me and made me whole. 
            Words and music by William J. Gaither

And of course this is the one that got me!  The Gaither's:  He Touched Me

Yes, you had a sin and you shouted out your need for forgiveness often.  I wonder if anyone other than me listening to it quite understood your words.  I know it will take more than this post to make the journey back to myself.  I keep getting caught up in this and I just can't anymore.  I just can't.  I want to be done with you.  I will not give you power any longer!  You don't own my soul..............and MY GOD loves me unconditionally.  I hope you found peace wherever it is you went.  It's time for me to find mine here on earth.


  1. the sad thing is that you felt you needed to live with this. Letting go is the strongest move you can make!
    love Heidi

  2. Wow Susan.....I hope you can truly let this go and not let it consume you.....I read a book once by Carolyn Myss....I think that's how you spell her name......she wrote about what happens to us when we hold on to old hates especially, and what she said helped me so much to let go of the hate I felt toward a man who physically and emotionally abused me. She wrote to think about the loss of control we felt in our lives during the times of pain from this other person. Think how helpless and horrible we felt because we felt there was so little we could do. Then life happened and either we got out of the situation or that person moved away...whatever it was...they were no longer a physical presence in our lives....BUT...we thought about them every single day. The hatred bound us as surely as if they had never let go of our hand. She wrote that we should think about that other person...about where THEY are at right now...your grandfather is old boyfriend moved on to another life and I have no idea what he is doing. But one thing that is that neither of them is thinking about US. Yet....there I was ...thinking about that creep every day...hating him and wishing him in reality...he was still controlling me. What I had longed for so much.. escape....I had not done...but he was not the one holding me now....I was keeping myself within his grasp. HE....didn't spend one any given time when I would sit and feel that hatred in my gut and he would consume my was highly likely he was kicking back with friends having a good time and laughing at somebody's jokes. While I sat and stewed.....years and years later.

    Carolyn wrote about a mental picture we could form...imagine we have invisible cords that link us forever to those we can't forgive....they can't cut the cords because they don't even know they are there. WE have to cut the cord....

    anyhoo...reading this hit me like a lightning bolt between my eyes ....peace to you.....

  3. Saddened to read this, but what courage to write this! Peace to you, Susan. Peace and love always...

  4. Time to move on. Are you sure you don't keep punishing yurself for something you had no control over and therefore keep re-hashing this terrible time in your life. YOUR WERE THE VICTIM. You can choose to remove it from conscious memory. Therapy might help do this.
    Does your family not believe this? Your Parents?
    Did you tell anyone? were you too scared?

  5. As a child I was terrified. I told my parents a while ago...they believed me. Yes, I've already been in therapy and I believe will go again! It really helps. Thanks for whomever wrote about the fact that the abuser is over it the minute it happens. I know that I'm the one still caught up in it and don't want it to control me anymore. Kinda why I needed to tell who it was! It's the only power I HAVE. To take away his shining image in what's left of the people who knew him. I wanted to put a tiny chink in his metal so to speak! In doing so I can begin the journey back to myself! Thank you all! Namaste!