This story is one told time and again by way too many girls in our world. It's really nothing special. Some say one in two women will be sexually abused at some point in their lives. I secretly wonder if it's that few. So I am really not special in that I have been abused. I'm not very unique in the circumstances either. Someone big in a church forced me to do despicable things. The other thing that does not make me unique is that this person was also my grandfather. What makes it unique MAYBE is that nobody else in the community would EVER believe he was capable of such things. I'm fairly sure the only other people who would be able to believe it are his other victims. Based on statistics on pedophiles, I should imagine there are some more out there. I know a couple so I know I was not alone in his abuse.
What is amazing is that he would admit his sins right in front of everyone at church often and then ask forgiveness for these sins........and they all thought so highly of him! Now, of course I know that this is just MY truth. Maybe he really did feel bad. Maybe he really did believe that Jesus forgave him for making me touch his body and pleasure him. Maybe Jesus did forgive him. I don't know what went on between him and his God when he made it home. I only know that what he did to me made my life pretty messed up. I have given him power over me for way too long! Even in death. So I denounce you today. I take back my power and I forgive you! I forgive the Gaither's for their unknown link to my pain..........and I am letting go of my ANGER and my resentment of you; you Asshole!
In letting go I must at last tell people how horrible it was to hear you sing out in church:
- Shackled by a heavy burden, 'Neath a load of guilt and shame. Then the Hand of Jesus touched me, And now I am no longer the same.
- Refrain He touched me, Oh, He touched me, And oh the joy that floods my soul. Something happened and now I know, He touched me and made me whole.
- Refrain He touched me, Oh, He touched me, And oh the joy that floods my soul. Something happened and now I know, He touched me and made me whole. (repeat the refrain 2 times) He touched me and made me whole.
- Words and music by William J. Gaither
And of course this is the one that got me! The Gaither's: He Touched Me
Yes, you had a sin and you shouted out your need for forgiveness often. I wonder if anyone other than me listening to it quite understood your words. I know it will take more than this post to make the journey back to myself. I keep getting caught up in this and I just can't anymore. I just can't. I want to be done with you. I will not give you power any longer! You don't own my soul..............and MY GOD loves me unconditionally. I hope you found peace wherever it is you went. It's time for me to find mine here on earth.