Sunday, April 24, 2011

The Thing I'm Letting Go Today!

As I sit here listening to The Gaither's I am allowing the music to wash over me.  I am listening to it and trying for it to not have the usual effect it has on me.  I really don't know how my Mom can listen to it...or go to their concerts....but I've decided that I don't want to hold anything against them anymore for something THEY did not do!  They are not responsible for my decisions to no longer go to church.  They are NOT responsible for the horrible, horrible things which were done to me as a child.....and yet, the association with them to THE ACTS is irrefutable.  At least in my mind.  Today, I have decided to let them off the hook for making me feel like vomiting every time I hear them.  I don't know if I'll ever be able to really enjoy them again (and I really used to), but I'm going to try really hard to not let them have this HOLD on me.

This story is one told time and again by way too many girls in our world.  It's really nothing special.  Some say one in two women will be sexually abused at some point in their lives.  I secretly wonder if it's that few.  So I am really not special in that I have been abused.  I'm not very unique in the circumstances either.  Someone big in a church forced me to do despicable things.  The other thing that does not make me unique is that this person was also my grandfather.  What makes it unique MAYBE is that nobody else in the community would EVER believe he was capable of such things.  I'm fairly sure the only other people who would be able to believe it are his other victims.  Based on statistics on pedophiles, I should imagine there are some more out there.  I know a couple so I know I was not alone in his abuse.

What is amazing is that he would admit his sins right in front of everyone at church often and then ask forgiveness for these sins........and they all thought so highly of him!  Now, of course I know that this is just MY truth.  Maybe he really did feel bad.  Maybe he really did believe that Jesus forgave him for making me touch his body and pleasure him.  Maybe Jesus did forgive him.  I don't know what went on between him and his God when he made it home.  I only know that what he did to me made my life pretty messed up.  I have given him power over me for way too long!  Even in death.  So I denounce you today.  I take back my power and I forgive you!  I forgive the Gaither's for their unknown link to my pain..........and I am letting go of my ANGER and my resentment of you; you Asshole!

In letting go I must at last tell people how horrible it was to hear you sing out in church:

          Shackled by a heavy burden, 'Neath a load of guilt and shame. Then the Hand of Jesus touched me, And now I am no longer the same.
            Refrain He touched me, Oh, He touched me, And oh the joy that floods my soul. Something happened and now I know, He touched me and made me whole.
          Since I met the Blessed Saviour, Since He cleansed and made me whole, I will never cease to Praise Him! I'll shout it while eternity rolls.
            Refrain He touched me, Oh, He touched me, And oh the joy that floods my soul. Something happened and now I know, He touched me and made me whole. (repeat the refrain 2 times) He touched me and made me whole. 
            Words and music by William J. Gaither

And of course this is the one that got me!  The Gaither's:  He Touched Me

Yes, you had a sin and you shouted out your need for forgiveness often.  I wonder if anyone other than me listening to it quite understood your words.  I know it will take more than this post to make the journey back to myself.  I keep getting caught up in this and I just can't anymore.  I just can't.  I want to be done with you.  I will not give you power any longer!  You don't own my soul..............and MY GOD loves me unconditionally.  I hope you found peace wherever it is you went.  It's time for me to find mine here on earth.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

I thought I had a few more years of greatness!

Okay.  I get it.  I absolutely understand now that I treated my mother like shit MANY, MANY times in my life!!  Wowzer.  I am so sorry Mom!  Remember when you told us, " I hope some day your kids put you through just a little of what you've handed me!"  Well, I'm there.

My daughter is not yet 10.  I was assuming I wouldn't be a stupid, embarrassing Mom till she was twelve or maybe even thirteen.  Nope. 9 and 3/4 is all I got!  She was embarrassed by how I ate salad today and talked while doing so at a restaurant.  Or maybe that I chomped my food.  Not sure. We've had six fights in two days over things that she insists I do grossly or disgustingly.  Or she just doesn't want me around period.

Unless she needs something.  Then I'm priceless!  But 99% of the time now?  Not needed.  Not worthy.  A failure.  I just can't win.  I guess the days of us being like two peas in a pod are kaput.  We used to enjoy spending time together and while I know that there will be a time much later in her life when we get back to being good friends I know that it's going to be a long time before that happens and the bumps are going to not only continue but get much larger.

Mom, you are awesome!  And someday I suspect I will be again.  In twenty years!  *Sigh*