Friday, September 24, 2010

Keep on Keeping on..........

In the words of a famous female journalist:  "And so it goes..."  I am not sure if we are 100% happy with the new med in the mix for K.  There seems to be some problems thinking for her.  Why does the chemical world need to be so hard to maneuver?  She's doing better though.........but this week on the way home from school she told me that she's done at this school.  Those of you who know my kid, know that when she finally verbalizes a statement of this magnitude know that this means:  Decision done, game over...this is the final word!

We had already decided to move her in seventh grade to the local Arts Jr/Sr. High........but now I think we might be finding a new "home" sooner than that.  Our therapist recommended an Educational Consultant whom she uses occasionally for help with some patients...I guess this woman knows the area schools in and out and can help you figure out the best "fit" for your "special needs" child.  UGH!  This road is certainly fun!

Short of home schooling (which has it's own set of issues) I cannot think MYSELF of a school that I think will offer her everything she needs to thrive.  I guess we need to just make the right, best, decision for HER.  I just watched Michael Eisner talking about partnerships.  He said that if the partners don't give 50-50 they don't work.  Even 45-55 does not necessarily work.  I feel like her school has not offered the 50%. I feel that Den and I have been left out in the wind.  I'm assuming this is how K feels as well.  How sad!

My daughter is SO beyond her years!  She is amazingly talented in English, Social Studies, Science,etc.  However, relationships with peers and Math?  Special help is required!  Can someone come up with a plan to meet her educational and emotional needs?  Or are we as parents, grandparents and Aunt out here alone...lonely and wondering why the educational system has let my child down?

Thursday, September 16, 2010

And so it goes.......

So here we are and McKenna is home.  She's not really telling me a lot about what's going on in her mind.  I think she's talking to Amy though and I have to be okay with that!  I guess the "Mom knows nothing" years have begun early.  I only hope that means she'll emerge from that phase early too!

I won a 90 minute massage and 90 minute facial from my salon (shameless plug here:  Dolce Salon & Spa!)  So I have that to look forward to on Monday.  Considering I got a massage right before Kenna's hospital journey, I'm glad I won one as that one seems to have been a very, very long time ago.  Then they had a deal on a pedicure I just couldn't pass up so I booked that for Saturday morning.  I think that will make me feel much better!

The entire family has been coming over most every day to help us go through the house and super clean, sort and organize it.  I can't believe we've only lived here for 6 years....we have accumulated over 20 years worth of "stuff!"  It does feel much better purging everything.  I even find myself going back over things I thought I'd keep three months ago and NOW I'm tossing them in the GO pile!  There will be a few fantastic Non Profs who will benefit from our largess!

I am so glad to have Kenna home. I am blessed to have such an intelligent, artistic, gifted child.  She has empathy for others and is just amazing!  Not a day goes by that I don't learn something from her.   One of the things that I have started to change is taking time doing some things for myself.  That's why I'm going to the salon for "me" treatments!  Den and I are taking time for US.  We are making sure to show our love for each other every day.  It's amazing how you can get so caught up in the daily crap that you start treating each other in less than nice ways!

Well, I guess I am shedding my proverbial skin and beginning anew!  New organized house, new treatment for my hubby and a daughter who continues to amaze me daily!  I guess learning that YOU are worthy of a little pampering can lead to unexpected results!

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Letter to the Universe!

So, I have to write this.  Just have to write it down and put it out into the Universe so that it's there.  So God(s)(dess) hears that the Universe is One with it.  Hold Kenna safe in your arms please as I am not there to do so.  Keep her safely in the Universal Peace and surround her with White Light and Serenity.

I know that Stevie and her Aunts are with her in the night and when she's alone and lonely.  I know Helen and Ron and Herb & Gerie surround her too and the feeling of Strength she feels in her soul is them supporting her while I can't.  If a mother EVER felt like she's coming undone it is me!  Please Universe....hold her safely in your arms.

The absolute worst night of my life to date was Monday night.  Labor day.  Beautiful family cook out, like usual....then a series of events lead to Kenna really having a stressful session of agression and then regression.  She wrapped a big blanket around her head and decided to snuggle into it much like a cocoon.  She went right inside herself....where I couldn't find her.  A little scared girl took her place which left us no other choice than to take her to the hospital in hopes of helping our little lost soul.

I told my baby, my one and only that I would never leave her.  I would be with her through all the traumatic times in her life.  But at the last minute I was told that McKenna would travel into the hospital but I had to go home.  I could visit for one and one half hours in the evening but for 22.5 hours a day I would NOT have any contact with my own child.  I was told that this was for her BEST interest.  I was told most kids did better than I would believe. I was told many things....but the only thing that I KNEW was that my baby would wake up in a foreign place with no Safeplace of Mommy's arms.  No one to hold her and tell her that everything would eventually right itself and she could finally come out from under her blanket and emerge safely again into the world.

I think that I am perhaps as lost as she is during this time.  I have left my child in the care of others, trusting these people whom I barely know with the MOST precious thing in my life.  This is not something that I ever imagined.  Well, of course I imagined it!  In nightmares, I have known this was a possibility....but the reality is much worse in some ways.  I walk through the day and answer questions and then do not have a comprehension of anything I have done.  I cannot sleep, cannot think of anything other than getting her back whole.  Getting back the child I had Monday afternoon.  Getting back MyKenna!

The family is scurrying to get a new and improved Oasis ready for her impending arrival back home!  Dad and Amy began painting her New, bigger bedroom a beautiful, calm purple and dark blue....with stars which will glow and light up the sky (wall).  We want a secure, serene atmosphere to help her continue to get better and not stress over life's up and downs.  We've been so around the block on figuring out what is happening inside our little one's head.  And then to learn that Anxiety and not BP may be the issue.  That the everyday stress of social situations may be more than she can take.

The team thinks that because of her unique intelligence and understanding of life, combined with her inability to ever want to be less than perfect just puts too much strain on her and she can't handle it.  She had a wonderful weekend, a great family-filled Holiday and the stress of knowing school was on Tuesday just rocketed her into another world.  Is it the friend who quit hanging out with her at play time?  Her disappointment in herself over something imperfect in a class?  The fact that she doesn't do well in Handwork?

She is so hard on herself and so tired of other kids not "getting her" that she would rather take a little time out and cover up in her great big comforter and have to be alone....all alone for the first time in her get her well.  Please, Universe.........hold my child tight in her little cocoon and keep her safe.  Until I can once again.