Thursday, September 9, 2010

Letter to the Universe!

So, I have to write this.  Just have to write it down and put it out into the Universe so that it's there.  So God(s)(dess) hears that the Universe is One with it.  Hold Kenna safe in your arms please as I am not there to do so.  Keep her safely in the Universal Peace and surround her with White Light and Serenity.

I know that Stevie and her Aunts are with her in the night and when she's alone and lonely.  I know Helen and Ron and Herb & Gerie surround her too and the feeling of Strength she feels in her soul is them supporting her while I can't.  If a mother EVER felt like she's coming undone it is me!  Please Universe....hold her safely in your arms.

The absolute worst night of my life to date was Monday night.  Labor day.  Beautiful family cook out, like usual....then a series of events lead to Kenna really having a stressful session of agression and then regression.  She wrapped a big blanket around her head and decided to snuggle into it much like a cocoon.  She went right inside herself....where I couldn't find her.  A little scared girl took her place which left us no other choice than to take her to the hospital in hopes of helping our little lost soul.

I told my baby, my one and only that I would never leave her.  I would be with her through all the traumatic times in her life.  But at the last minute I was told that McKenna would travel into the hospital but I had to go home.  I could visit for one and one half hours in the evening but for 22.5 hours a day I would NOT have any contact with my own child.  I was told that this was for her BEST interest.  I was told most kids did better than I would believe. I was told many things....but the only thing that I KNEW was that my baby would wake up in a foreign place with no Safeplace of Mommy's arms.  No one to hold her and tell her that everything would eventually right itself and she could finally come out from under her blanket and emerge safely again into the world.

I think that I am perhaps as lost as she is during this time.  I have left my child in the care of others, trusting these people whom I barely know with the MOST precious thing in my life.  This is not something that I ever imagined.  Well, of course I imagined it!  In nightmares, I have known this was a possibility....but the reality is much worse in some ways.  I walk through the day and answer questions and then do not have a comprehension of anything I have done.  I cannot sleep, cannot think of anything other than getting her back whole.  Getting back the child I had Monday afternoon.  Getting back MyKenna!

The family is scurrying to get a new and improved Oasis ready for her impending arrival back home!  Dad and Amy began painting her New, bigger bedroom a beautiful, calm purple and dark blue....with stars which will glow and light up the sky (wall).  We want a secure, serene atmosphere to help her continue to get better and not stress over life's up and downs.  We've been so around the block on figuring out what is happening inside our little one's head.  And then to learn that Anxiety and not BP may be the issue.  That the everyday stress of social situations may be more than she can take.

The team thinks that because of her unique intelligence and understanding of life, combined with her inability to ever want to be less than perfect just puts too much strain on her and she can't handle it.  She had a wonderful weekend, a great family-filled Holiday and the stress of knowing school was on Tuesday just rocketed her into another world.  Is it the friend who quit hanging out with her at play time?  Her disappointment in herself over something imperfect in a class?  The fact that she doesn't do well in Handwork?

She is so hard on herself and so tired of other kids not "getting her" that she would rather take a little time out and cover up in her great big comforter and have to be alone....all alone for the first time in her get her well.  Please, Universe.........hold my child tight in her little cocoon and keep her safe.  Until I can once again.


  1. Made me cry. Such a perfect description! And you, MY baby, rest well, knowing you are in Mother's arms.The Mother of us all with Spirit,too surrounds us with Universal Love.