Disillusionment of Fascination!

 Peter Frampton.  What wasn’t to love?  Played guitar like Hendrix, possessed beautiful teeth and curly, blonde hair….spoke with an English accent.

He was a rock star!  He had the largest selling Live record for quite a number of years in Frampton Comes Alive!  He had an English accent, oh, did I already say that?  Well, it should count twice!  He was beauty itself.  At least if you were a girl who lived in a small town and was 12.  Words to describe me: Emulated.  Infatuated.  In Love!  Imperfect, awkward, geek.

I don’t remember where I first heard him but I really thought that he sang directly to me.  I don’t even remember the first time I saw him on television but I knew right away that he was the man of my dreams!  I didn’t even care for boys with blonde hair, but on him?  Amazing!

He wore the tightest pants and silk shirts, open to the waist and tied with a big knot.  His hair was shoulder length and silky, wavy and multi-colored.  When he spoke it was like hot caramel oozing from his lips.

No mere boy could compete!  I bought all of his posters and filled my walls with his beauty.  I bought all of his records and played them nonstop.  I knew every lyric, every nuance……..every pause.  I was gone, gone, gone…….

I bought fan magazines with information about him.  I knew all of his favorite foods, colors and the car he drove.  I knew his girlfriends and was seriously upset by their existence…

If I could have attended his concerts I would have but my parents would never allow it.  Rock concerts?  No.  Captain and Tenille?  Sure.   Helen Reddy, Yup.  Peter Frampton?  No way!  The crowd would be full of pot smokers and drunk people! No!

He starred in “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” with the BeeGee’s in 1978 and I was there opening weekend.  While I thought the movie was a little odd and didn’t really understand it, I was really excited to see him in it and looked forward to a bigger movie career.

When I heard that Peter had been in a very bad car accident later that year, I was devastated.  He nearly died and I heard that he would probably never play guitar again.  He did recover and continued to record, though at a slower pace and never did achieve the monetary success of the Alive album.

At this time my life changed and I put away my posters and moved my albums to East Lansing, finished High School and started college and my love and emulation of Peter Frampton dimmed but did not die.  I no longer had the fantasy of meeting him and having him fall madly in love with me that I had entertained (but didn’t really figure out given our age difference!) as a middle school girl……but an ember still glowed.

Fast forward to the ‘90’s and I am living in Kalamazoo.  I hear the most amazing news on my way to work!  Peter Frampton is going to play the local venue!  I called work to tell them I’d be late and beelined for the auditorium.  I got tickets and called my sister to tell her she had to come down for that concert.  I was finally going to see Frampton Come Alive!  On stage, in front of me……….I could hardly breath!

The concert was amazing and he played for a long time!  His hair was a bit gray and a bit shorter but he rocked it and was really something!  His guitar playing was stellar and the young shy girl in me was replaced by this very happy adult fan!

I’ve seen him three times over the years and each show is terrific.  Each time he’s been a little slower, hair keeps getting grayer, okay, whiter and shorter but he still plays guitar like a mad man and he puts on quite a show.

The really cool thing about my Peter is he is really awesome and down to earth.  He married and moved to Ohio where he is very politically active in many of the same things I am, he has been clean and sober for a while which really improved his life and his kids are now in the limelight.

He does his own facebook page, which of course I am on, and he answers posts and interacts quite often…so I now have a more grown up admiration for someone who was such a big part of my formative years.  I wrote a post on his page which he thanked me for a few years ago and basically I stated that I was an even bigger fan now that I saw him as an adult….someone with integrity, who believed in the same things that I believe in and who cares for the earth and for people and that I thanked him for being real and interacting with we humble fans.  It’s really nice when you find out your idols are worthy of your respect!  I guess you can say there was no disillusionment in this tale!

Lost in the Circles Goin' Round

I feel like I am stuck in a never ending spiral............Is down up, up down..........right left, left right....nothing left. Spent.  The thoughts spin around until I feel as if this must be what it feels to be mad.  However, I am a person who may have "flights of fancy" but am grounded in reality practically 99.9 percent of the time.  That is why the last year of my life has been so challenging!

I literally feel like I am in uncharted territory.  I look for answers to life's questions in song, prose and movies.  I have reverted to the music of my youth in an attempt to have something familiar and "safe."  At least I am grounded in familiar.  I am unaware if I can find safe again anytime soon.  It's like the song Free Falling by another childhood friend, Mr. Tom Petty.  I was a good girl.  Still am.  Still trying to live a good life.

To Connect..............

She found it easier to crawl inside herself instead of trying to  connect.  

Easier by far than to connect.

Never finding anyone who understood her, she stumbled through life…

Wanting more but not knowing how to get it. 

How do you know what you are looking for when you don’t know what it is?

And so it went.  Decade after decade of wanting something that eluded her.

She thought a few times she had done it.  She thought she had figured out the system!  

 She thought that she had found someone who would get her.

But that had been untrue.  Alone again she wandered.

Kari

Kari

Chestnut, wavy hair flows down to waist.

Heart shaped lips smile wide.

Laughter is present in your eyes.

Flowing, Grace  in motion as your

Effervescent soul twirls round in the sun.

Multi-tiered skirt hits ankle as  bell anklet sounds it’s shrill cadence.

Love is prevalent; Life is LIVED to the fullest!

Energy. Spontaneity, Goddess of light!

This is the Kari that I shall remember!  Before her own judgement of herself lead to the mess that is Kari now.  Kari the Goddess Swirling Diva died the same day Steve did.  Only the shell has “survived” all these years.  Namaste.

Where is a woman to go?

What I'm feeling tonight..........................
K.T. writes it right.

K. T. Oslin Lyrics

" Where Is A Woman To Go "

Doo-Da, Doo-Da, Doo-Da, Doo-Da Day
Maybe he was wrong, maybe I wasn’t even right
Whatever the reason I’m on my own tonight
He’s gone a his way and I’ve gone mine
But I’ll bet you get that story all the time
Sometimes your friends ain’t always available
To pick you up when you’re feelin’ down, down, down, down
You know my daddy would die if he knew his baby
Was seekin’ refuge in a little ol’ bar ‘cross town
(Chorus:)
(But tell me where is a woman to go
When she’s feelin’ low
And all she wants to do is feel a little better
Tell me where is a woman to go
When she’s feelin’ low
All she wants to do is feel a little better)
Hey bartender honey gimme change for a ten dollar bill
Bring in back as stack of quarters, if you will
‘Cause I’m gonna play every song on your jukebox that makes me cry
Gonna find out how many tears ten dollars can buy
(Repeat Chorus)
All she wants to do is feel a little better
Tell me where is woman to go
When she’s feelin’ low
And all she wants to do is feel a little better
Doo-Da, Doo-Da, Doo-Da, Doo-Da Day
I said Doo-Da, Doo-Da, Doo-Da, Doo-Da Day

WHAT IS NORMAL? I'LL TAKE THAT PLEASE!

It is the ache that every mother of every child born to not be "normal."  It is the gut wrenching, terrifying point when you realize that your kid is not going to be like other kids.  Not that any two kids are alike and not like I do not love my child with every ounce of my soul.........

But I sometimes long to have her be accepted and let her excel at whatever she tries instead of being a genius in some things while struggling so much in others.  To almost always be confused by social norms, to be teased for being different, to be hurt on a continual basis due to her unique situation.

I want to scoop her up and keep her warm and safe away from the "idiot children (and dare I say ADULTS) of the world that she MUST interact with on a daily basis. I know I can't keep her from hurting or from learning what she needs to in order to survive but when your child tells you that she'd rather sit alone in her room in the dark with her computer than trusting a friend whom she knows will end up hurting her in some way.........agh.  I just can't take it anymore!

This new school offers such great kids who are interested in the Arts and Academics!  The double whammo!  I didn't expect an interloper here.  I don't think she did either.  Someone who makes the crazy sign behind my daughter's back and who tells everyone in a fake facebook post lies and maybe some secrets thought shared between two friends.

So much for trust.  So much for trying.  If this other girls only KNEW how hard it was for my girl to reach out and wiggle her toe in the pond of friendship.  If she cared that for X to trust and feel safe was such a major thing!  I really want to go down to her level and fight fire with fire!!!!!!

But I have to deal with X.  I have to get her into her medical team for evaluation, rock and console her.  Give her the comfort that I can......and hope that after this disappointment, this foray into getting hurt again, she will give friendship another try.  I hope and pray that she finds a true friend.  One who will fight with and for her and never let her down.  And I hope that friend comes soon!

This, That and The Other....

I'm not going to lie....it's been a very trying time lately.  Life has a way of throwing you curves when you least expect it.  It's like that newspaper editorial that got turned into a Baz Lurhmann song:

Mary Schmich

June 1, 1997

Inside every adult lurks a graduation speaker dying to get out, some world-weary pundit eager to pontificate on life to young people who'd rather be Rollerblading. Most of us, alas, will never be invited to sow our words of wisdom among an audience of caps and gowns, but there's no reason we can't entertain ourselves by composing a Guide to Life for Graduates.

I encourage anyone over 26 to try this and thank you for indulging my attempt.Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '97:

Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.



 That highlighted part up there.  It's the totally unexpected thing that kind of creeps up on you or goes:  WHAM!  Uh, guess I wasn't quite paying attention like I should have been.

So, I have recently had some of that going on.  It's been damn rough.  Rough enough that I needed help figuring it all out so I went back to seeing a counselor again.  Sometimes you just can't figure everything out on your own.  Sometimes you need a totally unbiased opinion...ya know?

I've fallen in a trap of self-inflicted mediocrity.  Or as my therapist likes to call it:  "Ground Hog Day Syndrome."  You wake up every day and do what you did yesterday.  There might be slight variations depending on your basic schedule but really it's just the same old, same old.  Some may call it a RUT.

I call it OVER!  I need to learn where my BLISS is again.  Or, what my new BLISS is.  Is it jewelry, social media, drinking heavily? (Just kidding ;o)  What makes me happy and when did I lose that happiness?  How do I get it back?  Why does my mind feel young but my body feel so old? (That's another entry.)

So my goals for myself are:  (and oooooooh, I just thought of another one!)  Putting myself out there and meeting new people.  Underneath all of my goofy extrovertedness is really a kind of introvert lurking shyly in a corner.  I need to show myself that I can risk being hurt in friendships again.  I have really been hurt in this area of my life and tend to keep really good friends from long ago...but those people are spread far and wide and I only have a couple here in AZ.  So I am doing some scary stuff lately. 

I signed up for Meetup.com and have joined a few groups.  Ha, now I just need to attend a gathering....baby steps!  I've friended a few people on facebook who look interesting to me.  I've even friend requested some people who kind of intimidated me just to see if they'd accept!  (They did!)  Oh, I UNFRENDED a few too!  Empowering!  If there are "Negative Nellies" then I choose not to hang around them. 

I'm taking my daughter to a friend's house who's Mom I talk to at school tomorrow.  Who knows?  Maybe the Mom's will bond like the kids have!  The point is:  I'm trying to make friends because connections matter.

I am going to get serious about some of my hobbies.  I am going to make jewelry again.  It is relaxing for me and I might just make a few bucks!  I have thought about helping out some business owners with their social media....some people are born to have a restaurant and don't have the time or patience to put out funny and or exciting fb posts!  But I live on fb and that might be fun! (May work for food!)

I've put my mind to actually sitting down and writing the Children's Books from the stories which I told McKenna long ago!  Or, maybe I'll write some other stuff.  Who knows?  Creativity is boundless!  I may just start writing and see what I end up with (besides my blogs!)

I am continuing my quest to change my eating.  I've been soda free for 2.5 years, gluten free for 17 months and red meat free for 2.5 months.  The soda was by choice, the gluten was by disease and the meat was by both choice and disease!  (Did you know it takes a normal body 4.5 DAYS to get red meat all the way through your plumbing?  And I am not "normal" so it took me way longer.)  EWWWWW........I know!

What's next?  Well, I have found out I am allergic to beats (I itch, etc.)   I have a sensitivity to brocolli and spinach.  It wasn't until after going gluten free that I could figure these things out.  Before I was so messed up I probably couldn't distinguish it all.  I hope that's where my in tolerances end, but I know it's not where my eating changes end.  Now I'm on a health mission!  Anti-inflammatory items will be added.  I'm going to address the acids vs. alkaline idea.  There really is no end in sight to my changes!

So this all started out of left field.  That thing that just hits you............but I guess I'm glad for it.  It made me wake up and LIVE again. The rest of that speech I have taken to heart as well.  Have you?  Really, think about it.  Are you in a rut too?