One of Those Things Which Could Have Been Very Bad.......But Wasn't!

Yesterday, Barb, McKenna and I had many errands to run and left the house around noon.  Dennis met us at my parent's house after work and we ate dinner there.  Den drove home first and I followed close behind. I got a call from Den saying not to bring Mac home because when he pulled in the driveway he saw the front door open.  He said he was going to call 911.  At this point I was already in our subdivision so I continued on to the house.

I wanted to go into the house.  I was concerned about the animals and whether they had been hurt or gone out the front door but Den was afraid someone might still be inside. I did go up and shut the door so if the pets were still there, they'd stay.  I heard Gracie somewhere in the hous but not near the door.  Luckily, Den called Mom and Dad after he called 911.  They made the decision between themselves to come take Mac back to their house so we could enter and find out what was wrong without her having to see anything. (Glad they were thinking because apparently I wasn't!  Amazing how that works when something like this happens!)

Mom called Amy and the girls and they decided to come to take Mac to their house so she could hang with the girls..........my family just rocks!

We waited over an hour for the police to arrive in 104 degree heat!  We did meet the neighbors across the street and our next door neighbor came out as well.  We were offered restrooms, water and cool homes to sit in............so that helped a bit!  The wait seemed eternal but the police finally arrived and apologized for their response time.  When it's hot in Phoenix violent crime rates sky rocket.  Unfortunately open doors doesn't rate real unless you see movement in your house.  I understand.

We told them the dog's names and that they would not enjoy someone entering the house.  So they went in and we called for the dogs.  Gracie came right outside but Gimlie was not having it.  The police yelled at me to stay back so I continued calling for Gimlie from the front yard.  He finally came out.  I shut the door so the cat wouldn't escape (still hoping she too was inside.)

It took a long time for the police to come out but they finally did.  The ironic thing is that nothing appeared to be wrong inside.  The lights we left on were no longer on and the front door was open..........but NOTHING was taken and no other entry was seen.  Locked up tight other than the front door.  The police asked if maybe the dogs knew how to unlock the door as that has happened before.  Well, they are smart dogs.......

We always lock that door and don't even use it for anything other than guests.  We enter and exit through the garage.  Because of home invasions it is ALWAYS locked.  Ironically, even though the front door was open, both dogs and our kitty Izze were all still in the house.  They may have gone out and come back in......it was very hot!  We most definitely air conditioned Laveen for a while but that is the worst thing that happened.  Well, that and there seem to be all sorts of flying bugs in the house today!

We are very lucky that our house stood open and nothing was taken.  Amazing if you think about it!  Though I'm pretty sure the dogs would not welcome anyone who tried to enter!  Who opened the door?  Who turned out the lights?  I think it shall remain a mystery!

Happy 4th Aunt Helen!

Growing up there were so many things I could count on in my life.  I had great parents, I had a great extended family and we had traditions that made life pretty predictable.  We went to Grandpa and Grandma Martin's every Sunday after church.  There I cavorted with many cousins (Dad being one of eight kids made for LOTS of cousins!), caught garter snakes, was dared to eat raw rhubarb stalks and not ripe grapes, and got yelled at by one of the adults if we got too near the road!

Another Grand Tradition in our family was 4th of July at Ron and Helen's.  I loved spending time with Ron and Helen because they were such an awesome couple.  Talk about connected!  My Aunt had so many quirks that she was just "Epic" (Mac says that's the new awesome!).  The first thing I remember about their house is the smell of Pine Sol and cigarettes as you walked in the front door.  In fact, I've never smelled that exact combination anywhere else in my life!  Then you were instantly in a whirlwind of people and hugs and the day had begun!

Helen was a tiny woman.  I remember any time she ate, she would cut everything on her plate in half and only eat that half.  I don't think I ever remember her eating a whole plate of food. She had a rough life growing up and I think that was the reason she was so family oriented.  Every Holiday meant "games with Aunt Helen" and she'd have us rolling eggs across the lawn with our noses on Easter or passing balloons between our legs on the 4th!  There were always prizes for these games. 

The 4th was her day.  We would swim in the lake and either have a picnic which was a potluck or a cook off of some sort and I never remember a boring day at her house.  Then the final event was watching the fireworks over the lake!  If you were lucky, you got to take the pontoon out; but it only sat so many people and there were always a ton of people there.  One never knew what family or friends would show up that day. But all were welcomed, hugged and fed!

Aunt Helen became ill and we would visit with quiet voices......the life of the party slowed down and it became apparent that she wasn't going to make it.  How appropriate that she left this earth on the 4th of July.  It was her day and she owned it!  My memories of her include her dressing up for Halloween in a chicken suit with a tail.  She wanted my Mom to see her so she road over 15 miles to my Mom's school to show her, and she had to ride the whole way on her knees backwards in the car due to that tail!  Another time I remember that she hated cheese with a passion.  The day she found out that her beloved fish sandwich from McDonald's had cheese on it was the last day she ate one!  We were always secretly putting cheese in recipes to see if she'd eat it!

I know these thoughts are a bit scrambled but I wanted to honor her today with my memories............to a great, grand woman!  I know she's in Heaven organizing all of the events today and Uncle Ron is smiling at her and still loving that ball of energy!

Phoenix

I have let the anger go………rebirth, in a way. 

Not allowing the all consuming anger to define me anymore.

Now I strive to piece together an existence that makes sense

 of the new-found Freedom I feel.

 I am learning to care for my new self.

I am finding that I AM worthy, I AM lovable, I AM significant, I AM present in each moment.

Letting go of that which held me prisoner is awakening me.

Like a baby bird, I am finding my wings.

Like a Phoenix………..I rise from the ashes and take flight.

I am the mother of a ten year old girl!

McKenna's birthday was yesterday.  She is a decade old.  I guess that's kind of a big milestone.  I remember back to her birth........barely remembering some details.  Some will be etched in my mind forever, like seeing her blond head for the first time and thinking, who's child is that and where is mine? (The drugs hadn't worn off yet and I just wasn't expecting a towhead!)  Or being upset that when she had been cleaned up and bundled neatly into a blanket, before I had even had a chance to meet her, Den whisked her outside to meet both sets of Grandparents and her aunt Kari.

I remember the look of awe/disgust in Chelsie and Brit's faces as she emerged from the birth canal (great birth control for pre-teens!) and how my sister was awesome in keeping me calm and helping me push.  Dennis was great too but it really was my show.  I was lucky to have a terrific doctor.  The thing that amazed me was how well I did!  I guess I was expecting to be a big wuss and I did a pretty hard labor and survived it.

I remember how my emotions were all over the place the weeks following the birth.  I remember the awe I had over this new being I had helped create!  I have enjoyed every moment of being McKenna's Mom!  I have learned so much from this journey through Motherhood and suspect that I have much left to learn.  I am so blessed that God and a few choice relatives in heaven picked her little brilliant soul out for Den and me to raise.  So blessed!

Lincoln, Nebraska Thursday!

We came in last night for my Father in Law's Memorial service which will be held Saturday.  Mac was blown away by the revolving door at the airport!  Glad to see the little things can still thrill her!  Sometimes I think we just go through life not noticing them.  Today we saw fresh lilac bushes.  I made Den stop so we could go smell them.  They were in a public area so we took a sprig and I have them next to me in the hotel.  The smell brought back so many memories!  Mac had fun playing with a ladybug as well.  I am loving the REAL grass and NOT having to look for scorpions, etc!

We took a stroll around Den's old neighborhood and he pointed out his old schools to Mac.  Real bonding moment for them which made it important.We're scheduled to go out to Misty's steakhouse tonight which is a landmark here in beef country.  They have the most amazing French Onion soup there.  The Prime Rib is succulent as well.  Apparently lots of graduations happening this weekend so everything will be very busy.

I am so excited that we have many people to see. The food is forefront at the moment.  Den has his list of favs ready to go through.  Since I really wish I had a Pizza from Shelby Pizza Factory I can hardly complain.
Hopefully pics soon.  Enjoy your day!

Mixed Emotions

When I first heard that we'd killed Osama bin laden yesterday I was overjoyed!  "Yea, we GOT him!"  I praised!  Then as the evening wore on and I began to think it through I have to say that first I liked a facebook pot:  An Eye for an Eye.  Right on!!!  But then I began to think.......well now there will most definitely be more terror hits.  Don't Americans know how these people work?  They now have a big Martyr.  More Americans will surely die.  And as I continued to sit in silence on this subject I began to think of the fact that I don't believe that violence is the answer to a violent action.  

I am an American.  I saw the buildings crumble and the ensuing result of the effects of 9/11 amongst my family.  My husband Dennis was working in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada where many planes were sent after finding out they could no longer get clearance to land stateside.  We were on the phone constantly that day because we had NO idea what being out of the US meant for getting him back in!  Firstly, all the planes which landed there didn't have enough fuel to get back out once they could fly back to the US.  They had to wait for fuel to be brought in.  

Luckily, he'd driven to Toronto and his car was parked there.  So he kept his rental car and drove the long trip back to Toronto to pick his car up there.  Kudos to National Car Rental for allowing him (and scores of other stranded passengers) to drive through to other provinces with no fees (you aren't allowed to go from one province to another in rental cars in Canada without major fees and permission). National was the only rental car agency to void all driving restrictions and fees (upwards to $1,000 for those not so lucky!)  It took him two days to drive back and then to get his car and make for the Michigan border (I was still in Michigan for our retail season.)  We weren't sure at that point how long or IF he'd be able to cross.

Den sat for over 18 hours at the border waiting for clearance to get back into Michigan.  So this journey back to us was long and fretful.  I remember him telling me that he was glad McKenna and I were in "Podunk, MI" because he figured we were as safe as we could be at the moment.  Those were the days when we thought every sound was more stuff waiting to happen.  I likened it to the stories my Mom used to tell of the blackouts during WWII in Lansing when she was very young.

My generation until that point had been pretty left out of war.  Other than Desert Storm (when Mom, Dad and I were in Cancun, Mexico and wondering what would happen if they wouldn't let us back into the US and THAT was more disturbing than being in Canada let me tell you!)

Dennis had a very hard time with 9/11.  I think many, especially men, had issues with processing it.  Watching television with bad news every day.  Watching the towers fall again and again and again.  It was ingrained.  Then the politics of it.  The searching.  The off course happiness with going after Iran and Saddam.  (Say what?  Why???? Stupid!)  Now almost ten years later we find and kill Osama.  Osama, not Usama FOX NEWS!  Quit trying to make it Obama you assholes! (little rant).

So I am an American.  I feel sooooooo bad about the thousands of people who died in the towers and planes,they were  Heros, they mattered.  I am not discounting their lives.  I think that justice should have been served and  I'm sickened that Osama wasn't taken alive and made to live every day in a small cell. But I'm kind of sickened too about people shouting and partying in the streets with news of his death.  Are we no different than those who did unto us?  Doesn't that bring us down to their level?  That is NOT a place I want to be.  I want to be the better person.  The better nation.  I want to be proud to be an American again.

In the word of Martin Luther King:  
The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral,
begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy.
Instead of diminishing evil, it multiplies it.
Through violence you may murder the liar,
but you cannot murder the lie, nor establish the truth.
Through violence you may murder the hater,
but you do not murder hate.
In fact, violence merely increases hate.
So it goes.
Returning violence for violence multiplies violence,
adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars.
Darkness cannot drive out darkness:
only light can do that.
Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.




He said it much better than I did.  Please just think of these words and their meanings.  We might all learn again from them and go forward with less negative and more positive.  More light and less dark.  I choose not to be like Osama bin laden.  I choose to be in the light.

The Thing I'm Letting Go Today!

As I sit here listening to The Gaither's I am allowing the music to wash over me.  I am listening to it and trying for it to not have the usual effect it has on me.  I really don't know how my Mom can listen to it...or go to their concerts....but I've decided that I don't want to hold anything against them anymore for something THEY did not do!  They are not responsible for my decisions to no longer go to church.  They are NOT responsible for the horrible, horrible things which were done to me as a child.....and yet, the association with them to THE ACTS is irrefutable.  At least in my mind.  Today, I have decided to let them off the hook for making me feel like vomiting every time I hear them.  I don't know if I'll ever be able to really enjoy them again (and I really used to), but I'm going to try really hard to not let them have this HOLD on me.

This story is one told time and again by way too many girls in our world.  It's really nothing special.  Some say one in two women will be sexually abused at some point in their lives.  I secretly wonder if it's that few.  So I am really not special in that I have been abused.  I'm not very unique in the circumstances either.  Someone big in a church forced me to do despicable things.  The other thing that does not make me unique is that this person was also my grandfather.  What makes it unique MAYBE is that nobody else in the community would EVER believe he was capable of such things.  I'm fairly sure the only other people who would be able to believe it are his other victims.  Based on statistics on pedophiles, I should imagine there are some more out there.  I know a couple so I know I was not alone in his abuse.

What is amazing is that he would admit his sins right in front of everyone at church often and then ask forgiveness for these sins........and they all thought so highly of him!  Now, of course I know that this is just MY truth.  Maybe he really did feel bad.  Maybe he really did believe that Jesus forgave him for making me touch his body and pleasure him.  Maybe Jesus did forgive him.  I don't know what went on between him and his God when he made it home.  I only know that what he did to me made my life pretty messed up.  I have given him power over me for way too long!  Even in death.  So I denounce you today.  I take back my power and I forgive you!  I forgive the Gaither's for their unknown link to my pain..........and I am letting go of my ANGER and my resentment of you; you Asshole!

In letting go I must at last tell people how horrible it was to hear you sing out in church:

Shackled by a heavy burden, 'Neath a load of guilt and shame. Then the Hand of Jesus touched me, And now I am no longer the same.
Refrain He touched me, Oh, He touched me, And oh the joy that floods my soul. Something happened and now I know, He touched me and made me whole.
Since I met the Blessed Saviour, Since He cleansed and made me whole, I will never cease to Praise Him! I'll shout it while eternity rolls.
Refrain He touched me, Oh, He touched me, And oh the joy that floods my soul. Something happened and now I know, He touched me and made me whole. (repeat the refrain 2 times) He touched me and made me whole. 
Words and music by William J. Gaither

And of course this is the one that got me!  The Gaither's:  He Touched Me



Yes, you had a sin and you shouted out your need for forgiveness often.  I wonder if anyone other than me listening to it quite understood your words.  I know it will take more than this post to make the journey back to myself.  I keep getting caught up in this and I just can't anymore.  I just can't.  I want to be done with you.  I will not give you power any longer!  You don't own my soul..............and MY GOD loves me unconditionally.  I hope you found peace wherever it is you went.  It's time for me to find mine here on earth.